By: Michelle Carr
I have a confession. A confession that I’m not happy to have to admit. I have been quiet due to the fact that I’ve been stuck. Yes, my words have been locked up inside. Why? Because even I have bad days. I know, I know it’s a shocker right? But sadly, I let something someone said get to me more than I should have. As much as I would like to say that such things don’t bother me, when it comes from someone close it does. I find myself not only lost because of their words, but frustrated at myself for allowing it to bother me. How can I possibly encourage others when I feel lost myself? I try and shut it out. Tell myself it doesn’t matter, that they just don’t understand. But it does matter.
It matters because though they may not understand what I am doing or why, their words made me doubt myself. Their thoughts made me question everything that I have worked on so far. Fed my inner voice that is always telling me that this or that is not good enough. Makes me question the path that I have chosen to take because it isn’t the same course as someone else. Because I don’t want to find my thoughts being limited to thinking inside the box. I don’t want to change the thing about me that I feel makes me different. It also made me wonder if I was really doing anything helpful at all. That the all the things I have started doing may not really be making a difference because they couldn’t see it. It’s frustrating, because no matter how many times I try to explain the great need I feel to create things and express myself, I can’t make you understand it if you’ve never felt it before.
For the first time in a very long time, I have been happy with the things I’m doing. I look forward to getting up every day and creating something or working to bring about change. It isn’t always writing, sometimes its images, pictures, sketches and such. And I use these things to try express whatever inner turmoil or joy that I am feeling at that time. I often use my words to try and inspire or motivate others. There is hardly any better feeling than that of knowing that something you did made someone else’s day even just a bit better. I love knowing that I made someone smile or laugh, even if it is a friend that I have never met in person. I have been able to not only express myself but I’ve also been able to use my voice to try and fight for the things that I believe in. This is something else that I have always wanted to do but never felt capable of doing. There is something rewarding about feeling as though you are helping to bring something good in the world. Even if that means that you are being paid for it. It’s not about that. It’s about bringing change, helping to make the world a better place in which to live. I can’t tell you how amazing it feels working towards brighter goals. But then in the time span of a day, I found myself questioning everything. It’s never easy when you find yourself questioning if you are taking the right paths for your passions. Especially when those paths seemed so clear before. And for several days I was stuck. Locked in silence. I tried other creative methods to clear away the block that had my voice silenced inside but nothing seemed to work.
Then just as suddenly as my doubt respawned, something remarkable happened. I was talking to a relative and they had not been aware of everything I had been doing. They knew about my blog but they had yet to read it… (trying not to let this bother me) But what I did find out was a very good friend of ours does. That he has read every single one and keeps an eye open waiting for my next post. In that moment I realized, that even though the people closest to me may not get it, there are those I’ve affected that do. Even though I may not be aware of the fact that I am doing so, it’s still happening. And that while I was too busy fighting the emotions of sadness and confusion from a loved one’s lack of faith in me, that there are others whose faith is there. It is from those who have supported me that I draw my strength to shrug of the doubt and the anger I felt at myself for feeling that way. It is for those who make me smile and feel good about being me, that I carry on. I hope that I can help you to feel the same way when you need it. Because even those of us who are determined to bring a positive light into this world still manage to have our share of bad days. We just have to keep trudging forward, knowing that it won’t always be this way. That in order to have sunshine and flowers we have to have a little rain sometimes. Carry on my friends, carry on. Know that you always have someone here that believes in you.
