By Michelle Carr
"I don't know where I belong. I only know where ever it is, some where on the edge of another universe altogether, where my soul is never questioned but it is constantly answered." -Stephanie Bennett Henry
I am a teenager sitting in a hard church pew. You know the ones I mean. The ones created to keep you awake so that if you forgot your morning coffee on the rush to make it in time for Sunday school you won't be able to be comfortable enough to sleep. I am listening to the sermon like I have a thousand times over. Trying my best to reverently listen and absorb the message. I'm here right? Cause after all, it is insisted that we try our best to be there every time those wooden doors open. And why is that, you ask? Well because that's what my mother was taught by her parents. I glance back at my grandfather who is sitting solemnly in the back soaking in the message we are being given. I direct my attention quickly back to front so as not to be thought ill of and restart to listen to the message. But these words of wisdom only leave me with questions and unease. Me, this girl who won the perfect score trophy in Bible quizzing, this girl who participates in every youth volunteer group I can and this girl who just found a seat after singing in the choir. I have worked hard every day to walk the walk not just talk the talk, which isn't easy during this time when it's incredibly uncool to be a Christian. Because this is what I feel should make me feel good about myself. Yet this sermon makes me feel like I am not where I should be spiritual, because though I strive to live my life as the best Christian I can be, I don't understand the logic of what I am now hearing.
The minister is speaking on the life choices of the LGBT community. Their life choices are evil, the words echo through the vaulted ceiling room. To choose to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex is a sin. It has been decreed by God that only a man and woman should lay together. Those who choose to live differently will be punished with Hell. We, as Christians, needed to see these lifestyles as evil and try to witness to those who had chosen this way of life. My head is spinning as my quandary ... begins. If it was a choice to live such a way, then why did some choose it? Because this the time, mind you, before it was even legal to marry someone of the same gender. It didn't make sense to me that anyone would choose to live a life the would be filled with persecution. To choose to love someone that you wouldn't be able to freely proclaim as yours and whom you couldn't even marry. How was it that it was a matter of the heart when a man and woman united, but yet it was considered a choice made by your head if you fell in love with one of the same gender? I, myself, being a person who tries to incorporate logic in with my feelings of passion so as not to go too far in either direction. I try to place myself in other people's shoes often to try and imagine what I may do in whatever unthinkable situation. I placed this sermon through this process of thinking as I sat in the pew, and for a long time after that day it lead me to believe that being gay this isn't a choice. But instead this is how people are born. I had been raised to not judge someone by their race, looks or gender so why would I need to judge them by whom they loved? If it was wrong to treat someone as less than because they looked differently than me, than why was it okay to keep rights from those simply because of whom they loved? Why would whom they love as long as it is a consenting adult require my approval or disapproval? Why should this even bother me? This voice in my head screamed that day in the pew at the lack of reasoning. To go from last week's sermon telling me to love everyone and treat them all with equal kindness and this week telling me who should be allowed to marry. And how we should view their decisions. I found myself greatly perplexed that this key message threw loving one another and that we aren't to judge one another right out the window. And here is where I began to think I would never be the perfect Christian girl everyone wanted me to be because I couldn't just believe.
Time has passed and I find myself sitting through another Sunday message that has me perplexed. It is a very touchy subject as well for it is the prolife message. I sit as they describe to me the murder of innocent life and my heart can't help but break. I mean seriously who cant think on that and not be saddened. Which is why even with some reservations, I spent my youth and some of my adulthood being a prolifer. But here's the thing, the part that I had trouble admitting out loud until I was older, that in certain circumstances I could understand the need to have such services available. That voice in my head asked me what is you were raped? What if you were raped by a family member and became pregnant? Would you be willing to have a child that was forced upon you? A child that would be a constant reminder of what happened to you? Or what if you found out that this child was going to be disabled. So much so that every living moment it had was sheer agony? Could I put any living being through that? As much as I celebrated every life I couldn't answer these questions with unhesitating "YES". I didn't think I could tell another girl of my teenage age that she had to have the child that she wasn't capable of raising. I couldn't tell her that she had to have it and give it up. I couldn't imaging putting more unwanted children into a program that was already filled with too many who were suffering from thoughts of being unwanted. Not every child gets adopted, not every child ends up in a good home. I did respect those who could make those hard decisions but if I didn't think I could, how could I tell someone else to? Again this voice plagued my thoughts and once more I feel like an outsider lost among the crowd of believers.
Then I had a break through. I took a religions class in high school during my senior year. I studied religions from all over the world. Religions that are much older than Christianity (which in itself is one of the newest religions) . I began to form new questions now, questions that formed themselves into a thesis paper. I began to wonder how we knew which religion ( my being told Christianity ) was the true religion? How did we know for sure when it is always changing. My very own church used to be Methodist until some of the people had disagreements over certain beliefs and bylaws that they left to form the Nazarene Church. With the constant switching over certain interpretations of the Bible how did we know we had it right? Was it possible that all religions were worshiping the same God but that there interpretation was just different? I got an "A" on my paper. But when I let my youth minister read it on advice of my mother, I was left ...disheartened to say the least. When one of your favorite people in the world tells you that you couldn't be more wrong in questioning things your heart breaks. I was told my thoughts were completely incorrect. There was only one true religion that we didn't need proof we only needed to believe. That is isn't our place to question. True believers didn't do that. That was the moment when my whole world changed. I've always been a believer of asking questions, finding your own truth. To be told not to ask questions just blindly follow put me in a place of making a choice. My truth or theirs. That is when I decided to search for my own. ( Which is a topic for another day) But I pulled away and my doing so became very apparent to those who had known me for my whole life up to that point. I found out from ties that remained that I was thought to now be the party girl, the drug user, the sinner simply because I appeared less and less. They all thought I was slipping and needed to be saved. This was so far from the truth it was funny. But also was the last straw because it showed me just how judgmental my former peers really were. And not needing that in my life, I left it behind.
Flash forward a few years, I'm still a moderate Conservative. It is nearing the 2004 election. I am very worried for our country and try my best to keep up on all the political news that I can. I tend to vote a very mixed ticket and want to make sure that I am selected the person that I feel is best for the job. I listened as John Kerry spoke in the town hall and something clicked. Here was this religious man speaking for the rights of others. Saying that though his religion disagreed with abortion he felt it was right to allow a woman to choose. That it wasn't the government's place to tell us what we could and couldn't do with our bodies. I, myself, has also begun to learn the issues with not having abortion as a legal option and those facts terrified me more than making it legal. His words spoke to all those questions that I had floating in my head. The thoughts that made me wonder if I could still remain a Christian if I believed them to be true. And you know what, the answer was yes. Everything began to click into place for me. There was nothing wrong with me I had just been in the wrong place. I realized, that listening to my inner thoughts, what my heart and soul told me didn't make me evil or bad, they actual made me a Liberal. I very much wanted Kerry to win that election. When he didn't I was brokenhearted because I had honestly felt he would've been a great leader. That was when I promised myself I would start to pay attention and get more involved in politics.
Because I have known what it is like to be on both of the political parties I find it amusing when people try and tell me to stop just listening to all the Liberal stuff and listen to the Conservative stuff as well to get the whole picture. Well, yes, looking at both sides is exactly what I do. Because I feel that for a long time I was surrounded and influenced by the Conservative views. That I was a sheep trying to do as I was told to do. So I feel very strongly about determining my own point of views in the decisions that I make. I remained a mixed ballot every time I voted until the last election. I prided myself that even though I am a Liberal, I would try and select those I felt were best for the position regardless of party. (This was until I voted last which I will proudly say that I voted Democrat in every category I could at that point. ) This is also why it's important to me to raise my children by giving them the facts and letting them use the intellectual minds and big hearts that they've been raised with to decide who they think is right. I can tell you right now I am far more confident in their values and hearts than I am in some of the so called Christians I know. They look on all others with love and kindness. See the beauty in differences and help others without question or expectations. And you know what? I believe they are Liberals too.
All in all, I believe spirituality to be a very beautiful thing. It helps to make us who we are, gives us strength, hope, comfort and can help you to see the beauty that there is in this world. I will always believe that faith is a personal thing. It is not something that can be force on you. (History proves this to be so) Nor should it be used to take away the rights of those who don't live or believe the way you do. Our forefathers understood this hence the First Amendment - "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." Taking away the rights of the LGBT with the Religious Freedom (nothing that's actually free about it) Act goes against that so does banning women's right to choose because your religion tells you not to. Our country was founded by immigrants coming together from different back rounds and religion and they respected the rights of those to chose what they wanted to believe so why do we feel it is alright to force our beliefs on others now? Our forefathers saw the danger in doing so but some of the Christian Right can't seem to see past their pews as I did.
Christianity, in itself, has been a persecuted religion. So one would think they would be more empathetic towards those who are the same. But witnessing them supporting and screaming for these rights to be taken away, shows how very much they don't get it. These are human rights. Human rights mean rights for all. My Christian back round taught me compassion for others and it is this compassion that leads me to fight for their rights. Maybe one day we will all understand the importance of giving people equal rights. That by them having the right to marry and love those of the same gender doesn't mean you have to do the same. It simply means they have the same rights as you. Maybe just maybe we will all wake up and see that having an abortion is the hardest decision a woman can make. But it is a choice she should be allowed to make. It doesn't mean you have to like it, doesn't mean you have to get one yourself, and it doesn't mean you have to pay for it. But the choice is and should remain a right that can't be taken away because of someone else's religious beliefs. For the day we realize that beliefs are personal and aren't the mandate is the day we will all truly celebrate religious freedom.
